


write me off, give up on me ('cause darling, what did you expect?)

by fulana_de_tal (trashsenal)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, and honestly?? I can relate!, i had to drink after realizing this is the 70s and homophobia was really bad, i was listening to 2005 fall out boy while writing this, this is the one where everyone low key has a crush on Remus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-12 05:56:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11730900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashsenal/pseuds/fulana_de_tal
Summary: “Though I think these blokes were validation enough," Lily said. "Every girl in Gryffindor has had a crush on you at one point or another.”"Me included."In very rash, very impetuous, very typical Sirius Orion Black fashion, Sirius had managed to do exactly as Lily advised in the first place: tell Remus how he feels.“What?” He glared at his friends, trying to regain whatever shred of decorum he’d possessed prior to that outburst. Think fast, Black. “I said Lee. Do you lot not know her?”“Pads.” Peter started wearily. “There isn’t anyone in our House named Lee. Or in our year. Or probably in the school.”.OR5 times Sirius Black efficiently tries to communicate his feelings for Remus Lupin, and 1 time he succeeds.CONVERSELY5 times Remus Lupin represses his own feelings for Sirius Black, and 1 time he doesn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been part of this fandom for like technically ten years and have never written anything for it, rip.

_Gryffindor Common Room_ _  
_ _C. 1977_ _  
_ _  
_ Sirius had a problem. Usually, having problems was not a problem when one was the uniquely charming, devilishly handsome Sirius Orion Black who’d managed to ace seven years worth of courses without so much as opening a textbook, but this wasn’t an issue that could be resolved through flattery or convincing his admittedly more studious mates to do his homework for him. No; rather, this was one of the sticky, _emotional_ conflicts-- the kind that involved feelings-- he tried his best to avoid.

Sirius Orion Black, better known as Padfoot to his friends and a disapproving _Mr. Black_ to Hogwarts staff, was in love.

Well, maybe _love_ was too strong a word. _Love_ was the word James used when he pined over Lily Evans for nothing short of long six years, and Sirius would be damned before he’d ever stoop to those levels of sappiness. Unfortunately for him, his best mate and his girl claimed he’d hit that bottom of that abyss at some point in their fifth year.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?” Lily had asked one fateful morning after James had probably snitched. “It would save you both a lot of time.”  
  
“ _Tell him how I feel?”_ Sirius had looked at her as if she’d come from the moon. “Are you mad?”   
  
“Well, no? That’s how most people do it.”

He’d only kept staring wide-eyed at her till she finally gave in with a sigh. “Fine. Forgive me for forgetting that the great Sirius Black is not _most people._ Let me help.”   


His mind flashed back to the six years he’d spent helping James try to win her over. He shook his head. “If it’s anything like the excruciating lengths Prongs and I went to in order to have you finally give him the time of day, I’m good, thanks.”  
  
“Do you really think that lowly of me?” The redhead had then rolled her eyes. “C’mon, let me work my magic. I promise it’ll be worth it.”   
  
The Gryffindor common room was empty save for the Marauders and a plus one named Lily. That was the perk of being friends with both the Head Boy and Head Girl-- no one was snapping at them to mind the curfew. Sirius found himself seated in an armchair directly across from Lily and James, who were being _disgusting_ on one of the couches, and next to Remus, who probably didn’t want to be bothered because he was, surprise, reading in that favorite rocking chair of his. Peter had taken to the plump ottoman next to the fireplace. Everyone was in their positions. The plan was ready to be executed.

“You two sicken me.” Sirius sniffed disdainfully at Lily and James. “There’s rooms upstairs, if you’d do us all a favor by getting one.”  
  
“Oh, Pads, you prude.” James scoffed good-naturedly as he settled his arm across Lily’s shoulders. “It was just cuddling. Not like you’ve done worse, right?”   
  
Peter stifled a snicker. Using his peripherals, Sirius carefully glanced over at Remus. He was still focused on his book-- or, if he knows him as well as he knows he does, trying-- but there was a small smirk on his lips, giving every indication that he was listening. Proceed as planned.

“I’ll have you know I am pure.” He turned his nose up at James. “My innocence was ruined the moment I caught you two snogging on that very couch one night. And you thought I wouldn’t notice.”  
  
“Right.” Lily flipped her long hair, hitting James in the face with it. The poor bloke looked like he hadn’t even noticed; in fact, he looked like he didn’t mind. “So all that talk in the girl’s dormitories is just talk?”   
  
Of course it was. Well, some of it. Sirius liked to think he’d grown out of his so-called womanizing ways, but he supposed girls liked holding on to ill-conceived flings from two years ago. They weren’t exactly secret, anyways. Blacks typically didn’t air their proverbial dirty laundry for the world to see, but as a rule of thumb, Blacks also didn’t run away from home and get themselves blasted off the family tapestry, so. It was all part of the plan.

“What was the name of that blonde Ravenclaw?” Peter asked all-too-innocently. “Or was she a brunette?”

Again, Sirius stole a glance at Remus. He held the next page of his book carefully between his finger and his thumb as if he were about to flip to the next. A contemplative gesture, Sirius knew. It was the thing he did when deciding between setting his reading down and engaging in social interactions like a person, or continue poring over the long, headache-inducing volume of the week. Admittedly and embarrassingly, Sirius allotted a… Considerable amount of time to studying his friend’s hands. They were large and pale, with long, almost elegant fingers meant for turning yellowing pages of ancient books or playing some classical instrument like the piano. He shook the thought out of his head _with_ a shake of his head; Remus didn’t play the piano. He only looked up when Lily cleared her throat.

“Alright, Wormy.” Sirius regained his composure. “Go on, then. Tell us about your exploits if you’re so eager to talk about mine.”  
  
Wormtail shrugged and recounted the story of a some blonde Hufflepuff. If this were just mates being mates, Sirius supposed he’d be happy for his friend for scoring, but this was _work._ As it’d been in years past, when there was still time and energy to prank, these kinds of things were meticulously planned and could afford no sort of distraction. Remus had finally set his book down. He stretched in his seat and the positively studious sweater he was wearing rode up to expose a creamy strip of skin between the wool of the sweater and the band of his trousers. If Sirius hadn’t any dignity left, he’d blush as red as Lily’s hair for thinking the thoughts he’d just thought.

“What about you, Moony?” James’ voice jarred Sirius back to whatever plane of reality he’d previously been on. “You’ve been awfully quiet. Care to share any encounters of the close kind?”  
  
Remus shrugged. “I’m content listening to Wormtail’s Hufflepuff stories.”   
  
“Liar.” Peter said. Remus grinned.

“I don’t for a second believe you _haven’t_ anything to brag about.” Sirius prompted, kind of wishing it were true. Hopefully he bought into that subtle compliment of his attractiveness. Hopefully. “Go on.”

“He wouldn’t, of course.” Lily scoffed jokingly. “Because Remus doesn’t objectify women like that, he’s quite a gentleman. Right, Remus?”

“If you say so.” He smiled at Lily, but then did the typical Remus Thing where he stiffened up immediately as if struck by some dark thought. He’d done that so much, too much, in fact, during their first couple of years at Hogwarts. “Also because, what if my hypothetical hook-up finds out I’m an extremely dangerous dark creature?”  
  
Once, that sort of comment had been the cause of awkward silences where no one really knew what to say. In this particular situation, however, it was the cause of contingency plans.

“Well, then she’d be a right cow.” James said with a note of finality, as if daring Remus to find a way to counter him. “You’re a handsome lad, Moons. This hypothetical bird would be missing out.”  
  
“Thanks, Prongs.”

“If I had to date one of us, it’d probably be you, mate.” Peter offered. Sirius tossed him a dirty look. “I mean, if I _had_ to.”

“That means a lot, Pete.”  
  
“Yeah, me too.” James added with a sly glance at Sirius that clearly said: _go, now’s your shot._

“Really.” A hint of a grin had returned to Remus’ lips. “I’m flattered, lads.” He looked at Sirius with a bit of a glint in his honey-colored eyes. “And you, Padfoot?”  
  
Oh, _fuck._ He knew, didn’t he? Of _course_ he knew-- he was _Remus,_ for Merlin’s sake. He’d been a prefect, he read for _fun._ On one hand, it’d make this a hell of a lot easier. Conversely, it might just be his own hopes and expectations projecting themselves onto reality.

“I guess.” He said so smoothly that he impressed himself. “What’s there not to like?”  
  
“You tell me.” 

Before he could start on the things he _did_ like-- the many, many things-- Lily spoke up. “Though I think these blokes were validation enough, every girl in Gryffindor has had a crush on you at one point or another.”   
  
“Me included.”   
  
In very rash, very impetuous, very typical Sirius Orion Black fashion, Sirius had managed to do exactly as Lily advised in the first place: tell Remus how he feels. Before he could feel too proud of himself, though, he realized that while he may have aced the test, it was worthless because it was an annulled assignment; the fact that Lily said _girls_ made his own comment so incredibly stupid and tactless, so unbecoming of his usual cool charm. Merlin, is this what it was like to be so in love with someone? That their very presence robs you of all your God-given talent? He was _fucked._

“What?” He glared at his friends, trying to regain whatever shred of decorum he’d possessed prior to that outburst. Think fast, Black. “I said _Lee._ Do you lot not know her?” 

“I guess you could send her my way, then.” Remus said sarcastically after much too long. He got up from his seat and again stretched his long limbs. This time, Sirius wasn’t treated to a stretch of skin. “I’m going up to bed. Good night.”

“Good night.” He echoed softly.

“Pads.” Peter started wearily once Remus was out of earshot. “There isn’t anyone in our House named Lee. Or in our year. Or probably in the school.”  
  
“I know that.” He nearly snapped. “I just… Messed up, alright?”

  
“We can still work with it.” Lily shook her head. “Just… Trust me, alright?” 

If it was important to her, it was important to James, which automatically meant it was important to Sirius. "Alright."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I published a second chapter a couple of weeks ago, but when I went back to read it, I realized I really didn't like it, so here's a revamped version. Due to this revision, this is gonna go into a less fluffier direction, so take this as your warning.

The Gryffindor common room was absolutely packed after the Quidditch victory over Slytherin. They’d completely and utterly annihilated Slytherin with the impressive score of 80-30, with the final goal scored by none other than James “Don’t Let The First Years Have Any Firewhiskey” Potter.    
  
“Who died and made you Head Boy?” Sirius teased his sweaty best friend after he told him to put the stuff away.

“Well, Dumbledore isn’t dead.” James answered simply, grabbing the bottle and taking a swig. Sirius raised a brow. “But he did appoint me, so. You’ll have to take it up with him.”   
  
“James!” Lily appeared seemingly out of nowhere with her hands on her hips. James nearly tossed the firewhiskey back to him. “Put that away! We can’t have you setting a bad example for the first years!”

“Bad example?” Sirius echoed, causing her to glare at him. “Evans, they’re  _ learning.  _ It’s not a Gryffindor party if someone, and by someone I mean me, sneaks in some alcohol. Besides, it’s our seventh year and I know things aren’t exactly all sunshine and rainbows, but,” He looked directly at James. “One last time, right, mate?”   
  
“Dump it out.” Lily deadpanned, her voice not even wavering a bit. 

“Dump it out, Pads.” James repeated after his girlfriend, who looked smugly pleased. Sirius scoffed, conceding a bit of reason to her, and handed the firewhiskey back to James so the Head Boy could responsibly dispose of it. 

“Bring back the bottle!” Lily called out to him as he left to pour it down a sink. 

Sirius frowned at her. “What good is an empty bottle?”   
  
“You’ll find that playing spin the bottle with one full of liquid is quite daft.” She beamed at him with enough mischief to qualify her as a Marauder. She held out her palm for James to place the now empty bottle into. “Commence attempt number two of trying to get Padfoot and Moony together, since someone botched the first one.”   
  
Sirius blinked. “Spin the bottle? What are we, thirteen?”   
  
“As I recall correctly,” She continued. “You and James were engaging in much more immature endeavors at the age of fifteen. So.”   
  
“Hey!” James exclaimed over the din of the party. “Those weren’t  _ immature endeavors.  _ They were artfully, meticulously composed plans of seduction.”   
  
“You once set up a rigged matchmaking service in Hogsmeade to try to get a date with me.”   
  
“Artfully, meticulously composed, Lils.”   
  
“It really was.” Sirius nodded, reminiscing. James offered him a high-five, which he gladly took.   


“Anyway.” Lily said in a tone that clearly implied they were changing the subject. “Here’s the plan. James, you’re going to convince Remus to join us for an innocent party game. Sirius, you’re going to sit next to him and act as you usually do.”   
  
“And how is that?” He quirked a brow at her. 

“Like anybody would be fortunate to have the bottle land on you.” 

He smirked. She knew him so well already. “Right.”   
  
“I’m going to enchant the bottle.” She continued. “Not the first couple of spins, of course, but when Remus gets his turn. Or when you do, Sirius, because he probably won’t want to.”   
  
It sounded easy and terrifying enough. For all the trouble he’d given Evans-- mostly for the trouble she’d caused James-- she was alright. Just alright. 

“You need a code name.” He told her as James set off to do his part. 

“Is this an invitation to your elitist little club?” She asked snidely, but with a grin.

“No, of course not, I just think it’d sound alright.” He shrugged coolly.

“Sure.”   
  
“How does Bambi sound? That’s the one old muggle movie with the deer, yeah?”    
  
“Bambi was a stag.”   
  
“Well, he had a doe for a mother.”   
  
“She was shot by hunters! If anything, James should be Bambi. Much better than Prongs, anyway.”

Before Sirius could protest-- because  _ who  _ had suggested Prongs?-- James came back to them with Remus in tow. The latter had displayed his Gryffindor pride with a red and gold scarf that was still wrapped neatly around his neck. He looked as if he’d just made a poor decision.

“Padfoot,” He started, nearly making him jump when he said his nickname. “Was this your idea?”   


“You can blame this one.” He did all he could not to stutter, and jabbed his thumb towards a beaming Lily. “Look at that, the Head Girl encouraging all this debauchery.”   
  
“Better use of this bottle than having you all drink from it.” She winked. “What do you say, Remus? It’s the last time we’ll celebrate a victory over Slytherin.”   
  
Merlin, she  _ had  _ been spending too much time around them. He was beginning to get the impression that they were bad influences. 

“If you’re lucky, you might even get to kiss Pads.” James shrugged, making everything so much more subtle. Sirius could kick him.

“I  _ should _ be ever so lucky.” He said in that tone that made Sirius question what he  _ really  _ meant and his heart bruise his ribs.

“Yeah, you should.” Sirius drawled, because he had to say  _ something.  _ “That’s the prize for winning, you see, a kiss from me.”   
  
Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius let him through to the circle of people already assembled around a small table on the edge of the common room. All of them were sixth and seventh years, thank Merlin, and he had interest in none of them. Remus had taken a seat in one of the arm chairs, seeing as someone had taken the rocking chair that wasn't actually his, but still treated as such. Sirius squeezed himself between the chair and a brunette sixth year who threw him a dirty look. Manners be damned; this would go much smoother if he didn't have to lean across the table to kiss the other boy. 

“There's still some sitting room here,” Remus said, making room for him in the chair. “If you don’t mind sharing.”

He didn't mind at all. He settled down next to the other boy. Their thighs bumped against each other as they should, because, really, this particular chair wasn't meant for two rather tall teenage boys. Sirius felt his face heat up almost involuntarily. They’d shared close quarters before. James’ bed had been communal back in their first and second years; they’d all piled in at one point, using each other as pillows as they talked the night away. Hell, they’d even held  _ hands  _ before; that particular Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson on werewolves had been rough. But that was before he realized he was, as James liked to put it, a “love-sick puppy” who blushed at the slightest physical contact.

“So.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Are these all the Gryffindor girls Evans claimed were madly in love with you?”

“She didn't say that.” Remus scoffed good-naturedly. “You’d know a crush isn’t the same as love.”

Again, there was something about the way he said it that made Sirius wonder things. The type of  _ things  _ he’d been trying to communicate, but just couldn't bring himself to. He was absolutely right, as per usual. Crushes didn’t have him completely and utterly  _ ruined. _

“I don’t know, Moony.” He sighed theatrically. His hands were  _ cold,  _ dammit. And clammy. “I don't think any of these girls would mind stealing a kiss from you.”

“Yeah.” He said _ ,  _ but then the corners of his lips turned up into a grin. “If the bottle lands on me, I’ll just blow it towards you. Send them your way. You're better at this than I am.”

That wasn't the only thing he could be blowing, but alright. Or maybe Sirius would be the one doing the blowing. Their thighs touched again. Was it just him or had the common room gotten really hot? It was probably the fireplace. 

People had already taken turns spinning the bottle. They'd enjoyed varying degrees of success; with some flat-out snogging in front of a cheering group, some pecking shy kisses on the cheek, and others just flat out refusing the person at the other end of the bottle. Remus looked skeptical when it got to his turn. 

“Maybe this wasn't a good idea.” He looked decisively at Sirius before reaching slowly for the bottle. 

“Oh, it’ll be fine, Moony.” He reassured him, spying Lily leaning against the wall out of the corner of his eye. “Our last time, remember?”

“There are five other possible Quidditch victories this year.”

“Can’t argue with that. Spin it!”

While he sounded confident, he was anything but; he felt a bit nauseous watching the bottle spin to a stop. It teetered threateningly between himself and the brunette he’d shoved earlier. He supposed Lily had to make it look real. Finally, it stopped moving, and its mouth was pointed directly, almost accusingly, at him. Quickly, he glanced up at the other boy. Remus’ eyes had gone as wide as the moon-- ha, the moon, that wasn't funny at all-- and Sirius immediately felt his stomach drop all the way down to the dungeons. 

“You don’t have to.” He blurted out upon seeing the look of sheer panic on his friend’s face. “Really, Remus, it’s just a--”

“Sirius.” Remus said softly, looking at him with eyes still wide. The din of the common room was background noise. “I’m sorry.”

Before Sirius was able to respond, he’d untangled his legs from his and politely excused himself through a throng of people. Sirius craned his neck to watch him ascend the stairs to the dorms. He had the urge to go after him and ask what the hell he could possibly be sorry for, but didn't. Ultimately, he got up, too, and found Lily and James.

“What was that about?” James asked him, frowning. “Did you do something weird like stick your tongue in his mouth?”

“I didn’t do anything.” He just shook his head. “He still… Apologized.”

“What for?” Lily frowned.

“I don’t know.” He admitted, still looking at the stairs. “I really don’t know.”

**Author's Note:**

> I love comments and kudos!!


End file.
